Re-Tweeting Myself

- - Fun / Humor, Popular

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I spent some time looking through my 2013 tweets, and wow, I really crack myself up. Also, I was kinda embarrassed over how many of my tweets were about food. Thought I’d share a few of my favorites with ya. Here goes re-tweeting myself…

Going to the dentist where they will ask me if I’ve been flossing regularly & I will say yes. Then they will floss my teeth & make me bleed.

My daughter’s face, when singing along to some Adele, is terrifying.

Hey guys—just so you know, Ke$ha gets another dollar every time you say “liberry.”

It’s so annoying when everyone is staring down at their smartphone – when I don’t happen to be staring at mine.

You know how YouTube has that “skip ad” in 5 seconds feature? Need one of those for people too.

I’m white, but not “Cheese Board” white.

2 types of people in the world: those who say “orange” in 1 syllable & those who say “orange” in 2 syllables. I’m in the group that’s right.

Just realized I always pronounce “utter” as “udder.” Guess you’ll never know if I’m talking about an “Utter disaster” or an “Udder disaster”

I appreciate what the $5 Hot -n-Ready is all about. I do have an issue though… it’s not a “large.” Call it “personal” size & we’re good.

Getting something out that fell under the driver’s side car seat is 1 of the most challenging things I ever attempt. That place is an abyss.

I never have a greater sense of loneliness, desperation, & utter hopelessness than when I have misplaced, forgotten, or lost my iPhone.

Huh. Apparently all my coworkers conspired together to not tell me how much they loved the new jacket I wore today.

In a standoff w/ Shari. We’re both waiting for each other to leave work, go home, & make dinner. I’m gonna lose. Wish I was more competitive

Love that railing thing where U stand in line 2 order @ Wendy’s—its perfect 4 leaning your butt on & having a 30 second rest B4 moving again

I don’t wear puffy coats or vests because I already am.

I can tell when my daughter has been in my office by the cookie crumbs all over my desk. When I eat cookies, I always hide the evidence.

Yesterday I said Shari “probably cries everyday.” She indignantly refuted my claim. Later I saw her crying while watching a cartoon w/ Ashah

I’m at the outlets. Gimme a shout if you need something. Yankee Candle has some great deals on their broccoli scented line.

It’s funny—the ones who complain about music at church being too loud always have the loudest ringtones on their phones. Always.

In hell, you won’t have anything to eat & the devil will eat pita chips in your ear.

The mall food court smells like debt regret & saturated fat.

Tired of getting judged as being “not manly” for using chapstick, so I’m gonna put it away in my canvas tote bag.

Why pastors can’t drop the mic 4 dramatic effect: we’re never done talking. It’s awkward picking the mic up off the floor so U can say more.

My wife has an expression, “Oh, those are safe” for when she finds food under car seats or the couch – things like M&M’s & Skittles & stuff.

For a pre-mealtime prayer that really impresses, use the word “sustenance.” I’m not sure there’s any other use for that word.

Mini pickles look kinda like cute baby crocodiles.

whenever I have to write a check, I get all anxious because I’m not sure I remember how to do it

Idea for movie theaters: air fresheners.

My daughter was looking up French names & starts laughing, “Lousy is a name??!??!” I take a look at her screen & say, “That’s Louise.”

If you met Tim Gunn and he didn’t hug you, how devastating would that be to your self-image? I mean, you must be some kind of monster.

Every shopping mall has that one wing leading to nothing but hopelessness and broken dreams.

I think my sneezes must come from Costco… always huge & in a multi-pack.

I think all famous former athletes must take a vow: “If I’m ever given a color commentator job on TV, I will wear a terrible suit.”

My sister, when talking about someone & can’t remember his name, just replaces it with “what’s his bucket.”

I have a hard time taking the word “woefully” seriously. I always hear it as “let me exaggerate my point”

There’s a billboard about eating healthy—it asks if you can name 7 different berries. Someone who eats a lot of pie would be good at that.

Hey tap dancers – I’ve got an idea – you just play drums & let other people dance. Thx.

I’ve never paid someone under the table. I’m always standing as I hand over a bank envelope full of cash.

I have my own little rules about when it’s OK to swear. For example, if I’m quoting someone, or if I’m talking about mosquitoes – totally OK

“This little piggy had roast beef…” – yeah, that’s the little piggy I want to be.

Trying to decide if real estate agents or pastors have the cheesiest promo/advertising pictures of themselves. Prolly pastors.

Our fax machine at the office is actually a little miniature time machine – it sends us advertisements that appear to be from the late ’70′s

I’m always taken by surprise when someone suggests we eat at Applebee’s & they’re not being sarcastic or ironic.

“I’d also like to mention that because your belly button is so big, it could be a swimming pool for tiny people, if they existed.” —Ashah

The 45 day shelf life of the new Twinkies means they last longer than the clothing you bought from Forever 21 and H&M.

When my wife says, “Should we share an entrée?” I hear, “We’re getting not enough food & having a race.”

I’ve never met a cat rescue guy.

Garbanzo bean is just a more manly name for the chickpea.

My wife just asked me more questions than the gas pump does & now nobody can talk to me for a day.

If it’s in the office fridge, anyone can eat it, right? Plus, I’m the boss. Never mind, realized that sounds terrible. And I already ate it.

Fun discovery: if I order fast food for my wife & “accidentally” forget to get ketchup or sauce, she won’t eat it & gives it to me.

My daughter has saved a picture of me using a neti pot. When asked why, she said, “I’m keeping it for your funeral some day.”

Shari got a new scale for our bathroom. Every time I step on it, the display says ERROR. And my self esteem crashes to an all-time low…

I don’t like the word palpable.

Bad news today. I found out I have a severe food allergy. Apparently all the delicious foods make me fat.

Tug of war doesn’t make sense. Should be a war of tugging.

Facebook has all the appeal of a public restroom – it stinks & desperately needs cleaning. I despise it. And sometimes, I HAVE TO GO there.

I dream of the day when Dave Ramsey sees me drive up in my 14 year old Volkswagen, smiles, & says, “Well done, good & faithful servant.”

I need Celebrate Recovery because chips & salsa.

Shari just confessed that she puts desserts in ziplock bags before she throws them away “just in case” she needs to rescue them later.

The Hallmark store – because apparently everybody isn’t on Facebook yet.


I’m curious, what do you end up tweeting about most frequently? Food? Sports? Adorable things your kid says?


I am a husband, father, pastor, leader & reader. I love God, love people & love life.

6 Comments to Re-Tweeting Myself

  1. 99.9% of what I tweet is pictures of my kids. 99.7% of those pics are of my daughter… but I mean seriously, you’ve seen how cute she is!

    Fun post PB. Your tweet on the devil eating pita chips is one of my all-time faves!

    • Brian Dolleman

      At least you’re being honest about it Angela. By the way, you should probably post a picture of your boys sometime soon.

  2. Christel Tucker

    BEST TWEETS 2013
    Now I don’t expect anyone to read all of these but I will preface it to say, I went through my 2013 tweets as well and found I generally lean on dark humor, false bravado, conversations with myself, rhetorical conversations with everyone else, everyday ridiculousness and cats…

    I could die. I mean you never know. Jazmine could just decide to go homicidal tonight. I can almost see it in her soul-less cat eyes.

    Went to my friends consecration tonight. Sounds kinda like castration but don’t worry it’s totally different.

    Thankfully the only casualty of that 10k was the blister on my right thumb… oh yeah… and my soul.

    My stomach literally just started singing Bob Dylan’s “Knockin On Heaven’s Door.” I think it’s time to feed him.

    “You know what we should do? Go to Fred Meyer, open all the boxes and switch all the puzzles around… imagine the chaos.” – @KenzKatherine

    I think I’d be okay if my tombstone read something like:
    “Christel Tucker ~ loved popcorn.”

    Must Love Dogs gave me unrealistic expectations about falling in love at a dog park.

    Homeboy hittin on me in the Target parking lot. Yeah, Christel! You still got it girlfriend!

    How awesome would a peanut butter gun be?

    If it’s true that “you can’t miss something you never had” then why do I miss Saint Bernards so much?

    Beyoncé loves Jesus. You know what that means? PARTY WITH BEYONCÉ IN HEAVEN!

    I mean, in all honesty I could probably have a boyfriend if I wanted one, but c’mon… cats.

    Sleeping with no pants on is great until a murderer shows up or your house catches on fire.

    “Derek doesn’t believe that I will be able to take over the world once I breed my army of tigers.” #normalconversations #dreams

    Heavy rain… thunder and lightning… lights flickering… I’ve seen this before in the movies guys, and it doesn’t end well for me.

    Just sang ♪ ♫ ♬ “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Sweet brother of miiiiine.” ♪ ♫ ♬ to my bro on the phone before hanging up. Don’t I just ooze coolness?

    New song idea: I CAN’T Ride My Bike With No Handlebars – the melancholy tune of a girl who couldn’t ride a two wheeler until 5th grade.

    I think I have officially ruled out rap star as a feasible career path.

    The dog in this outdoor restaurant won’t stop barking. What a bitch.

    “Every body grab your guns! There’s a mouse in the kitchen!” -My dad

    If you start a story w “my fondest memory of beef jerky was…” you really don’t even need to finish the story. You’ve already succeeded.

    I wanna know why Metallica hasn’t yet contacted me to be their lead guitarist. I slaughter “Enter Sandman” on expert EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

    Dear cats, I’ve had a lot of desktop backgrounds over the years but I always return to you, my darlings.

    Looks like they forgot to add the “d” at the end. HAHAHA CHRISTEL YOU OLD DOG, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN! (accompanied with instagram street sign of Superba ave.)

    Sometimes I worry that I’m just filled with sarcasm, cynicism and carefully held-back rage but then I remember I had some pancakes, too.

    The way I see it, there is only one reason why Kim and Kanye haven’t shown their baby to the public: ugly baby.

    I’m not the only one in Starbucks w shower hair… Girl, I see you. I accept you. I understand your urgent need for caffeine. #morningcoffee

    Thoughts as I try to fall asleep: “Don’t take me back to Russia! Don’t take me back to Russia!” (…had a weird dream last night)

    Haven’t related 2 music lately… I mean, there’s no songs bout getting wisdom teeth removed & then living the life of a drooling chipmunk.

    “If I were a woman, when I’d encounted sexism I’d be like ‘BRB IM GONNA GO *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE SOME MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.’”

    If you don’t know the difference between a tall, grande or venti then I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed within the Seattle city limits.

    I dream of a perfect world…one where Justin Timberlake and Beyonce both live in Fairwood and we all become best friends.

    I may have woken up late, but if you are not dead, bleeding, or on fire, I suggest you don’t bother me until this coffee cup is empty.

    Nobody quite understands me like you do, cookie dough.

    All I gotta say is that my dental hygenist is pretty lucky that she’s not a mind reader.

    If you haven’t seen Now You See Me, go now. Mostly because I’m looking to start a group of magicians & need 3 other people on board with me.

    The potty dance is effective 98% of the time. Don’t ask about the other 2%.

    Kanye West may be the deepest rapper there is. “I had to leave before they cut the cake, welcome to heartbreak.”

    I’ll give you my life savings if you find my doppleganger.

    For future reference: I would like my tombstone to say “Please avenge my death!” Thanks.

    Walk into restaurant. Say you have reservations for Dance, party of 1. Freestyle. Walk out. // Christel, you’ve done it again you old dog!

    I always give 100%… unless I’m donating blood.

    Idea for the best band: Hall & Oates & Tucker

    “Where is everyone?” “They went to get Frodo.” “Uh mom, unless they’ve made a trip to middle earth, I think you mean froyo.”

    Gotta know: Do you say process-es or process-ees? The answer to that question will have an immediate effect on the future of our friendship.

    I ate all the strawberries. No1 was in kitchen but I felt guilty so I said “shhhhh” 2 my fork – incase you need confirmation of my insanity.

    When people unfollow me it’s because they don’t like nice things, fun things, attractive things, cat-related things, and peanut butter.

    “You are turning 23 this year! What a PRIME age…”
    Will Farrell can go ahead and forfeit the 2013 Comedic Genius Award to me now.

    “How do you spell kooky?” “C-O-O-K-I-E” “No, mom. That spells cookie.”

    If I could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, I would probably choose the Cheesecake Factory.

    All the people on the bus look pretty open-minded… I think if I broke out in song they might not throw me off!

    I told TSA 2 stick their elctro-machine where the sun don’t shine! Poor word choice considering the necessary chain of events that follow…

    Looking beautiful in a turtleneck is a fallacy. TV and movies make you think you’ll look good but trust me – you won’t.

    Security looked shocked when I was like “no I don’t want to be exposed to your gamma rays and grow a third leg out of my sternum!”

    One day, Iron Man is actually going to exist and everyone’s gonna be like “WHAAAAAAAAAT!?” but I’m gonna be like “Yup. Told ya.”

    I currently have three different skin tones: each a different shade of embarrassing.

    Every grandmother has the same ringtone.

    Awkward moment when you read notes from church, see that you wrote Revelation 4:17 & then realize that verse doesn’t exist.

    I pledged allegiance to Chad Michael Murray in the fourth grade in case any of you were wondering what kind of troubled childhood I had.

    If there is no fortune in your fortune cookie, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, right? Asking for a friend…

    How awkward would it be to choke and die on communion?

    Pacifiers are brilliant. Kid is too loud, you pop it in their mouth &they shutup. I’d totes invest in adult pacifiers if ya know wut I mean.

    Walked into the living room where the Lion King was on TV. Jazmine (the only one watching it) was pretty mesmerized. Jazmine is our cat.

    Am I the only one that thinks it’s weird that everyone just automatically assumes I speak English?

    It’s not drinking alone if you pour one for the cat.

    I just read the word ‘officers’ but in my head it was definitely pronounced ‘ossifurs’ so I guess it’s just one of those days.

    I don’t know guys but I think the Rolling Stones had it wrong because whenever I see a black door I want to paint it red.

    Lil Wayne’s tear drop tattoos symbolize how many peeps he’s killed… so what does his drool drop tattoo symbolize? How many he’s eaten?

    Is no one else concerned that we basically gave the apes a blueprint on how to take over the world?

    If I had it my way, people would slow clap it out to me as I enter each room today because I finallly shaved my legs.

    “Mackenzie, am I your favorite dad?” “You’re my only dad.” “Well, you never met the milkman…”

    “Pedestrian me” is the type of person that “driver me” really hates.

    Seriously… how SELFISH is my little sis?! I told her she can feel free to make me breakfast in the morning & she said “not gonna happen.”

    My blog got 13 hits from Russia today… why?! Explain yourselves, Russians!!!

    While sharing a tweet I saw: “oh yeah my friend posted it… wait no. Not my friend. She doesn’t know me… I just follow her.” #awkward

    “Who’s your best friend?” -Mom
    “This bottle of cold medicine.” -Me

    90% of suicide notes nowadays consist entirely of a list of one’s own grammar/spelling mistakes made on twitter… #perspective.

    Life plan: Start wash cycle. Forget2 put clothes in dryer. 3days later realize, run again. Forget again. Give up. Burn house. Become nudist.

    I’m sorry, but there is no “share” in peanut butter.

    “Did you know ‘The Gangster Squad’ was originally gonna be titled ‘The Derek’?” -Derek

    Hey people wearing headphones, you know we can hear you fart, right?

    Not even one single tear fell from my eyes during Les Mis so it’s safe to say I am heartless and have no soul.

    If the “stairs to my height” ratio in your home is over 3-1 you can bet your bottom dollar that I will crawl, not walk, up those monsters.

    I’m not saying I’m catwoman but answer me this, have you ever seen me and catwoman in the same room?

    • SuperSize funny. The dog is concerned by my excessive giggles and the cat is skeptical that anything could be worth the raucous laughter.

  3. Christel- amazing fun here! I reread everyone out loud that made me laugh- and Brian finally put in earphones, cause I was reading like every one to him. :)

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