Confusing Anger With Kindness

I read this poem by Rupi Kaur that spoke to me as a man, a father of a daughter, and a pastor.

*     *     *     *

to fathers with daughters

every time you

tell your daughter

you yell at her

out of love

you teach her to confuse

anger with kindness

which seems like a good idea

till she grows up to

trust men who hurt her

cause they look so much

like you

*     *     *     *

I am thankful for this poem.

It reminds me that love is patient and kind…

Love is not boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable (or irate for that matter) and does not keep records of wrongs.

Love does not shame, domineer, lord over, belittle, yell in anger. It does not rage. It does not roar. That is not what love looks like.

And yet, we’ve heard this kind of description of love given before, haven’t we?

Maybe from a preacher who is “rebuking” you because he “loves” you.

But love never requires such explanations. Love is self-evident.

Love is self-giving.


No matter how much we say, “I love you, you know that—right?” as we demean, embarrass, and shame people, the damage remains.

Do you see what I mean?


I am a husband, father, pastor, leader & reader. I love God, love people & love life.

4 Comments to Confusing Anger With Kindness

  1. I’m pretty sure there’s some mental health issues going on here. So sad- how many lives he has the power to mess up. Leadership is a scary thing- ugh…

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