I could die. I mean you never know. Jazmine could just decide to go homicidal tonight. I can almost see it in her soul-less cat eyes.

Went to my friends consecration tonight. Sounds kinda like castration but don’t worry it’s totally different.

Thankfully the only casualty of that 10k was the blister on my right thumb… oh yeah… and my soul.

My stomach literally just started singing Bob Dylan’s “Knockin On Heaven’s Door.” I think it’s time to feed him.

“You know what we should do? Go to Fred Meyer, open all the boxes and switch all the puzzles around… imagine the chaos.” – @KenzKatherine

I think I’d be okay if my tombstone read something like:
“Christel Tucker ~ loved popcorn.”

Must Love Dogs gave me unrealistic expectations about falling in love at a dog park.

Homeboy hittin on me in the Target parking lot. Yeah, Christel! You still got it girlfriend!

How awesome would a peanut butter gun be?

If it’s true that “you can’t miss something you never had” then why do I miss Saint Bernards so much?

Beyoncé loves Jesus. You know what that means? PARTY WITH BEYONCÉ IN HEAVEN!

I mean, in all honesty I could probably have a boyfriend if I wanted one, but c’mon… cats.

Sleeping with no pants on is great until a murderer shows up or your house catches on fire.

“Derek doesn’t believe that I will be able to take over the world once I breed my army of tigers.” #normalconversations #dreams

Heavy rain… thunder and lightning… lights flickering… I’ve seen this before in the movies guys, and it doesn’t end well for me.

Just sang ♪ ♫ ♬ “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Sweet brother of miiiiine.” ♪ ♫ ♬ to my bro on the phone before hanging up. Don’t I just ooze coolness?

New song idea: I CAN’T Ride My Bike With No Handlebars – the melancholy tune of a girl who couldn’t ride a two wheeler until 5th grade.

I think I have officially ruled out rap star as a feasible career path.

The dog in this outdoor restaurant won’t stop barking. What a bitch.

“Every body grab your guns! There’s a mouse in the kitchen!” -My dad

If you start a story w “my fondest memory of beef jerky was…” you really don’t even need to finish the story. You’ve already succeeded.

I wanna know why Metallica hasn’t yet contacted me to be their lead guitarist. I slaughter “Enter Sandman” on expert EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Dear cats, I’ve had a lot of desktop backgrounds over the years but I always return to you, my darlings.

Looks like they forgot to add the “d” at the end. HAHAHA CHRISTEL YOU OLD DOG, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN! (accompanied with instagram street sign of Superba ave.)

Sometimes I worry that I’m just filled with sarcasm, cynicism and carefully held-back rage but then I remember I had some pancakes, too.

The way I see it, there is only one reason why Kim and Kanye haven’t shown their baby to the public: ugly baby.

I’m not the only one in Starbucks w shower hair… Girl, I see you. I accept you. I understand your urgent need for caffeine. #morningcoffee

Thoughts as I try to fall asleep: “Don’t take me back to Russia! Don’t take me back to Russia!” (…had a weird dream last night)

Haven’t related 2 music lately… I mean, there’s no songs bout getting wisdom teeth removed & then living the life of a drooling chipmunk.

“If I were a woman, when I’d encounted sexism I’d be like ‘BRB IM GONNA GO *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE SOME MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.’”

If you don’t know the difference between a tall, grande or venti then I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed within the Seattle city limits.

I dream of a perfect world…one where Justin Timberlake and Beyonce both live in Fairwood and we all become best friends.

I may have woken up late, but if you are not dead, bleeding, or on fire, I suggest you don’t bother me until this coffee cup is empty.

Nobody quite understands me like you do, cookie dough.

All I gotta say is that my dental hygenist is pretty lucky that she’s not a mind reader.

If you haven’t seen Now You See Me, go now. Mostly because I’m looking to start a group of magicians & need 3 other people on board with me.

The potty dance is effective 98% of the time. Don’t ask about the other 2%.

Kanye West may be the deepest rapper there is. “I had to leave before they cut the cake, welcome to heartbreak.”

I’ll give you my life savings if you find my doppleganger.

For future reference: I would like my tombstone to say “Please avenge my death!” Thanks.

Walk into restaurant. Say you have reservations for Dance, party of 1. Freestyle. Walk out. // Christel, you’ve done it again you old dog!

I always give 100%… unless I’m donating blood.

Idea for the best band: Hall & Oates & Tucker

“Where is everyone?” “They went to get Frodo.” “Uh mom, unless they’ve made a trip to middle earth, I think you mean froyo.”

Gotta know: Do you say process-es or process-ees? The answer to that question will have an immediate effect on the future of our friendship.

I ate all the strawberries. No1 was in kitchen but I felt guilty so I said “shhhhh” 2 my fork – incase you need confirmation of my insanity.

When people unfollow me it’s because they don’t like nice things, fun things, attractive things, cat-related things, and peanut butter.

“You are turning 23 this year! What a PRIME age…”
Will Farrell can go ahead and forfeit the 2013 Comedic Genius Award to me now.

“How do you spell kooky?” “C-O-O-K-I-E” “No, mom. That spells cookie.”

If I could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, I would probably choose the Cheesecake Factory.

All the people on the bus look pretty open-minded… I think if I broke out in song they might not throw me off!

I told TSA 2 stick their elctro-machine where the sun don’t shine! Poor word choice considering the necessary chain of events that follow…

Looking beautiful in a turtleneck is a fallacy. TV and movies make you think you’ll look good but trust me – you won’t.

Security looked shocked when I was like “no I don’t want to be exposed to your gamma rays and grow a third leg out of my sternum!”

One day, Iron Man is actually going to exist and everyone’s gonna be like “WHAAAAAAAAAT!?” but I’m gonna be like “Yup. Told ya.”

I currently have three different skin tones: each a different shade of embarrassing.

Every grandmother has the same ringtone.

Awkward moment when you read notes from church, see that you wrote Revelation 4:17 & then realize that verse doesn’t exist.

I pledged allegiance to Chad Michael Murray in the fourth grade in case any of you were wondering what kind of troubled childhood I had.

If there is no fortune in your fortune cookie, that doesn’t mean you’re gonna die, right? Asking for a friend…

How awkward would it be to choke and die on communion?

Pacifiers are brilliant. Kid is too loud, you pop it in their mouth &they shutup. I’d totes invest in adult pacifiers if ya know wut I mean.

Walked into the living room where the Lion King was on TV. Jazmine (the only one watching it) was pretty mesmerized. Jazmine is our cat.

Am I the only one that thinks it’s weird that everyone just automatically assumes I speak English?

It’s not drinking alone if you pour one for the cat.

I just read the word ‘officers’ but in my head it was definitely pronounced ‘ossifurs’ so I guess it’s just one of those days.

I don’t know guys but I think the Rolling Stones had it wrong because whenever I see a black door I want to paint it red.

Lil Wayne’s tear drop tattoos symbolize how many peeps he’s killed… so what does his drool drop tattoo symbolize? How many he’s eaten?

Is no one else concerned that we basically gave the apes a blueprint on how to take over the world?

If I had it my way, people would slow clap it out to me as I enter each room today because I finallly shaved my legs.

“Mackenzie, am I your favorite dad?” “You’re my only dad.” “Well, you never met the milkman…”

“Pedestrian me” is the type of person that “driver me” really hates.

Seriously… how SELFISH is my little sis?! I told her she can feel free to make me breakfast in the morning & she said “not gonna happen.”

My blog got 13 hits from Russia today… why?! Explain yourselves, Russians!!!

While sharing a tweet I saw: “oh yeah my friend posted it… wait no. Not my friend. She doesn’t know me… I just follow her.” #awkward

“Who’s your best friend?” -Mom
“This bottle of cold medicine.” -Me

90% of suicide notes nowadays consist entirely of a list of one’s own grammar/spelling mistakes made on twitter… #perspective.

Life plan: Start wash cycle. Forget2 put clothes in dryer. 3days later realize, run again. Forget again. Give up. Burn house. Become nudist.

I’m sorry, but there is no “share” in peanut butter.

“Did you know ‘The Gangster Squad’ was originally gonna be titled ‘The Derek’?” -Derek

Hey people wearing headphones, you know we can hear you fart, right?

Not even one single tear fell from my eyes during Les Mis so it’s safe to say I am heartless and have no soul.

If the “stairs to my height” ratio in your home is over 3-1 you can bet your bottom dollar that I will crawl, not walk, up those monsters.

I’m not saying I’m catwoman but answer me this, have you ever seen me and catwoman in the same room?

Fun post PB. Your tweet on the devil eating pita chips is one of my all-time faves!